This was an outstanding book. I had a hard time putting it down and there are parts that I laughed until there were tears streaming down my face! And I really appreciated the insights of the Ivy-by-the-Pacific graduate, Dr. Beaverman. Each member of the “party” shows very similar characteristics to my gang here. So much so, that Screening Party just screams for us to do some of our own. By the way, Barnes & Noble have this book listed as Vol. 1 – so I’m hoping that there really will be a Vol. 2!

With each movie they screened, I ended up with a few notes jotted down and a few of my favorite lines to share with all of you, so here we go:

Jaws: The only thing I really had beef with the entire book happens while they are screening this film. “May I remind you all that this is Massachusetts,” asserts Marcus, our East Coast expert. “There’s nothing there but fat white people. Trust me, I’ve lived it.” Apparently he hasn’t or he’d know that isn’t true. Trust me, I lived there for 20 years and have seen lots of very hunky men and women there!!

St Elmo’s Fire: The comments on Demi Moore’s nakedness (not in the movie) were hilarious. Lauren’s closest to the magazine and therefore gets first gander. ‘Oh, my God,’ she gasps. ‘They should have called this movie ‘St. Elmo’s Brushfire’.’

Taxi Driver: Speaking of Jodie Foster (who’s 12 in this movie and plays a hooker); “I’m with you, Dennis,” says Ross. “Jodie’s never struck me as remotely sexy. If I had a thing for 12-year-olds, I would not have a thing for Jodie Foster.” “She gives child prostitution a bad name,” concludes Dr. Beaverman.

Pretty Woman: By far the best chapter in the book. This one had me dying in fits of laughter. Talking just after the part where Richard Gere and Julia Roberts have their fight about the polo match; Somehow the two of them make up. I’m not really sure how because Tony and I are too busy fantasizing about what Julia’s conferences with her high school guidance counselor must have been like. “Your aptitude test shows that you’d be good at rimming,” says Tony, taking on the tone of my fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Grandstaff. “But stay away from triple penetrations because you scored low on multitasking,” I add.

9½ Weeks: I have never seen this movie and after reading the chapter on it, I want to, although I do NOT see the appeal of Mickey Rourke. But upon reading all the things that Mickey makes or wants Kim to do, I don’t understand why she decides to pass up on the opportunity. (Sorry, my freak side is showing.) Kim unwraps the gift – a beautiful gold wristwatch, which, Mickey tells her, she’s to look at each day at 12 o’clock and imagine him touching her. “There’s actually an inscription,” says Dr. Beaverman. “It’ll keep on ticking when you take a kicking.”

James Bond Movies: In this chapter, they have a contest rating all the different James Bonds. And let me tell you, it turned out EXACTLY as it should have. There really was no question, even when I began to read this chapter, who the winner was going to be. But that is really just my biased opinion and I’d be ranting if it didn’t turn out my way! :D

Sound of Music: Seems kind of sacrilegious to make fun of this movie, but I couldn’t help but laugh. I love this film, it's one of my favorites but the insights of Dr. Beaverman are spot-on and I love the interesting “fun facts” occasionally provided. On her way upstairs to change for dinner, Maria discovers that one of the rascally tykes has put a frog in her pocket. Not surprisingly, she hurls the scaly creature to the ground in horror, though I’m not exactly sure if she’s afraid of the frog or the embarrassing wah-wah sitcom music that accompanies the frog-throwing moment. It could easily be either. “Remind me to look for a disclaimer in the credits that says, ‘No frogs were harmed in the making of this film,’” I say, “but we did have to beat the shit out of Gretl a few times.”

Male Stripper Movies: The movies For Ladies Only and A Night in Heaven are the two that the party screens. I haven’t seen either movie and never intend to now. The best part about this chapter is the Chap Stick story. Trust me, it’s funny and disgusting, even for me.

Flashdance: A movie that I’ve seen and loathed. Jennifer Beale can’t act or dance. Talking about how many times they have seen this movie; “I’ve got you beat,” boasts Marcus. “When I was in college, I saw it 10 times.” “Of course you did,” says Ross. “It was probably a great place to pick up guys.” “This was before I knew I was gay,” says Marcus. “Wait a second. Stop the presses,” says Lauren. “You saw Flashdance 10 times and didn’t know you were gay?”

The Bodyguard: I’ve only seen bits and pieces of this movie, and I’m thankful for that. Though Whitney Houston is a better singer/actress than most, it’s still a pretty bad movie. “Who shoots a music video at their house?” wonders Lauren as Kevin and Whitney shake hands and size each other up. “I mean, she’s got all these dancers and grips running around and she’s surprised there’s cum on her bedspread?”

Basic Instinct: Much to the horror of Goddamn Thomas, I have never seen this movie (I’m not really a big Sharon Stone fan). But it does sound extremely interesting and I may just have to rent it. Again, Dr. Beaverman is too clever. “Has anyone considered that maybe she ties Michael Douglas up because he’s lousy with his hands?” suggests Dr. Beaverman.

Armageddon: I was wary in reading this chapter because I happen to like this movie (and I always tear up at the end), but I have to admit that it was funny. Commenting on the “animal crackers on the belly scene”, “They should have used McDonaldland cookies,” I say. “Oh, my God!” gasps Marcus. “We lost the Grimace in the Batcave. I’m sending Mayor McCheese in after him!” Then, as if the scene isn’t unsettling enough, it hits me that it’s Liv’s real-life dad, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, singing on the soundtrack, thereby turning our sick little triangle into a sick little rectangle, or octagon if you count the whole band.

A Star is Born: I really enjoyed this chapter because I like seeing people rag on Barbra Streisand. I’m not a fan and find her too ostentatious for her own good. “It’s pretty hard to be in a scene with two black women and be the one with the bad Afro,” Lauren says…”She looks like a Swiffer,” I say. “I keep waiting for the 800 number to pop up on the bottom of the scene.”

Saturday Night Fever: A movie that cries out to be made fun of, even then. Don’t get me totally wrong, I have been a Travolta fan since his Sweathog days, but this movie is too funny to watch and just as fun to read about as others watch it. Before hitting the town, Travolta must endure a family dinner during which his impossible-to-please parents bombard him with criticisms like, “You should have been a priest like your brother.” “Ma, I’m gay,” says Tony, “but I’m not that gay.”

Cruising: I’ve never seen this movie, but it sounds intriguing. I may check it out at some point. But from the standpoint of our “Screening Party” people, it seems like it’s a bit of a letdown. Al gives in and lets his paramour lead the way to a clearing near a tunnel. Then Stuart asks Al how big he is, to which our undercover cop replies, “Party size.” Although I’m sure this is meant to imply that Al’s packing, I can’t help being reminded of the two-inch mini Snickers I gave out last Halloween.

Glitter: Nope, never seen it and hopefully never, ever, EVER will. Besides Mariah being totally overrated and knowing she should never have attempted to act, after reading this last chapter I know I will always change the channel when it comes on cable. There are too many lines within this section of the book to put here, but I’m going to put in one of my favorites. You’ll have to read it to understand it. “Tyra!” he shouts, stopping my heartbeat in its tracks. “What is up with that glitter stripe on her back?”