And counting...and counting...and counting.

And it still feels as though I'm caught in a stasis field of my own design. Where time has no meaning and there is nothing to do.

Of course, I have plenty to do around this house if I had the energy/want/desire/motivation to do them. There is plenty to be cleaned/washed/dried/scrubbed that I could be busy all week. But the real motivation for all of it is not there. But it better get there soon, as I have to get it all done by Sunday night.

Or die trying.

I did this three times using different names. I think I agree mostly with the first one. I'd just as soon combine all three and it would end up being the fourth one listed:

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Empathy
In a survival situation, you:	Fight, and enjoy it
Your hidden talent is:	Courage
Your gift is:	Fearlessness
In groups, you:	Observe others' behaviour
Your best quality is:	Your sense of humour
Your weakness is:	Being unforgiving
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Intelligence
In a survival situation, you:	Do what is necessary
Your hidden talent is:	Adaptability
Your gift is:	Athletic ability
In groups, you:	Perfer to act as security
Your best quality is:	Your empathic nature
Your weakness is:	Your laziness
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Empathy
In a survival situation, you:	Freak out
Your hidden talent is:	A beautiful mind
Your gift is:	Cunning
In groups, you:	Get the party started
Your best quality is:	Your indomitable will
Your weakness is:	Your lack of sensitivity
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Intelligence
In a survival situation, you:	Do what is necessary
Your hidden talent is:	Courage
Your gift is:	Cunning
In groups, you:	Prefer to act as security
Your best quality is:	Your sense of humour
Your weakness is:	Being unforgiving
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Got an email from Steve a few minutes ago. He's miserable and not getting any sleep. I feel bad. Of course, on the other hand, he shouldn't have joined the Navy if he didn't want to be on a boat. Sucks to be him.

This also means that everyone needs to be nice to him when he gets back. You'll see him at dinner at Tony&Darrell's...assuming we're available. :)

Thank you again, Ice Queen Bitch, for letting me out of that depressing and worthless place to work.

Have I told you people how much I love my new job?? Not only some fabulous eye candy to look at all day, but inside information as well.

Not only do I know the day the ship is returning, but the time as well. Thanks to a connection here at work. And it's a day earlier than Steve had told me.

I love my job.

Sitting here this evening, fuming over the next door neighbor's rugrats (we aren't getting that fence soon enough!), I'm burning time. Time until I can see Steve's face again. Time until I can feel that comfort and security that only comes from him. Time until the warmth and caring that I need returns to my arms.

And this is the worst time of all. When time is short. You would think that this would be the best time, when you can count the days until the return. But it is the worst. Every second feels like an hour. Every hour is an eternity. Time slows to a snails pace and you can't help but watch the clock.

Yeah, it's very, very early in the morning. This is the price you pay for going to bed early. And having a dog that decides she wants go to the bathroom at 2:30am. Yes, I could have gone back to bed, but once I'm up - I'm up. So here I sit, waiting for another day to pass by.

The faster the better.

Horoscope:

Overview: It's not in your nature to hide your feelings, especially the more amorous ones. Today, however, you may need to sit back and be a good little lion -- for the sake of someone you love who isn't quite so brave.

Daily work:They like you here, but do they really know you? And should they? Some aspects of your life are best kept hidden from colleagues. Even if your secrets wouldn't be bad for business, there would be way too much to explain.

Weekly Romance:Feeling a little sensitive? If you've got a thorn in your paw, romantically speaking, don't be too proud to ask for help on Monday or Tuesday -- you never know what kind of cute creature will have the tweezers. You'll be back in glorious form by midweek, and everyone will clamor to be near your radiance. Just be sure to save a special spot for a certain someone. Friday and Saturday might find you more serious as you reassess some matter of the heart that's troubling you. Figure it out and make a date to talk about it on Sunday, whether it's with a friend or your sweetie -- you'll feel much better.

I hate doing laundry and needed something to keep me occupied today, so I have been writing an email to Steve and also took this from Tracy:

What would you look like as a Wolf by smimmary
Name:
Age:
Star Sign:
What you
Personality:	Grumpy - STAY AWAY!!! Grr...
Mate?:	Red
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

What would you look like as a Wolf by smimmary
Name:
Age:
Star Sign:
What you
Personality:	Always Smilin'
Mate?:	Green
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

What would you look like as a Wolf by smimmary
Name:
Age:
Star Sign:
What you
Personality:	Happy 'n fun loving.
Mate?:	Red
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Taken that the following sentence was spoken to you on Thursday, what does this mean to you?

only a few more long days until I get to wrap my arms around my angel

A) nothing, it's a non-committal time frame
B) within one week
C) Sunday
D) other, please explain

I love me some Rose is Rose.

My life has been rated:
See what your rating is!

To quote the BBFC: The R18 category is a special and legally restricted classification primarily for explicit videos of consenting sex between adults. Such videos may be supplied to adults only in licensed sex shops, of which there are currently about 90 in the UK.

You are filthy. Congratulations!

Please check out this post of Claus'.

Too fucking funny.

Mark this day in history:

MICHAEL WAS WRONG!

Your favorite fragrance is in the air: lavishness, made even sweeter by the fact that your hedonism meter is currently turned all the way up. Pull out all the stops, whether you're spoiling a flame or relaxing alone.

Hmmm...I wonder if this means it was a good thing that I ordered those porn DVD's last night?

It would be nice, if just once, the US Navy would understand how important it is for their people to be able to communicate with their loved ones at home while they are away. But do they care? Hell no.

Steve and I tried last night to email each other - since chat was not an option - but of course, it only worked for about three emails and then nothing.

You know, there are times when I suffer from this and there are times when I don't. My body is so royally fucked up, it can't decide what it wants to do. But right now, oh yes, I have it. And the brunt of it is really being taken out on poor Bailey. She's gotten yelled at a lot lately and then had to suffer through the crying apology afterwards.

With the way things have been going, I might as well be on the damned clomid again. My emotions feel about the same.

And I hate it.

I've been meaning to post this, and it just seems appropriate to do so today - five years after the event at Columbine High School. Saturday, I finally saw the Oscar winning documentary Bowling for Columbine. Whatever you may think about Michael Moore and/or his political views, he is undeniably a powerful film maker. This movie is very emotionally stirring and strikes at the very heart of the problem with this country. And while I normally respect Charleton Heston, and I do respect the fact that he had the balls to actually sit down with Mr. Moore in this film, his actions and the actions of the NRA were deplorable after this incident.

If you have never seen this film, do so. It is film making at it's finest. And I will be purchasing a copy of this film as soon as I am able.

That coworker -- who just might be a supervisor -- isn't thinking about the position they'll be putting the two of you into if you become involved. They're only thinking about how nice it would be to enjoy your company.

I'm afraid...very afraid.

OMG, and this was my weekly "Romance" horoscope:

You'll have a strong sense of self this week -- too strong, maybe. Be wary of seeming aloof or distant, but you've got to do what you've got to do. If you've already made a move or started something, now's a good time to close the deal. There's a slight chance of ego conflict here, so turn on the charm if you see trouble. The weekend is great for socializing, with a date or on your own. Parties, intellectual events and academics will be high on the list. Sunday your sense of connectedness will increase tremendously, maybe surprising or overwhelming the person you're with (but in a good way).

And again, my "Daily Work" horoscope:
Ambition looks good on you when influential people are watching. Although you're not exactly flaunting your abilities, a full demo certainly wouldn't hurt. You seem destined to occupy a higher niche in the food chain.

I'm not going to give anything away for those who didn't see the season premiere last night, but I do have a few comments:

1) So glad they finally changed the opening sequence.

2) Loved the way they shot this episode.

3) I like the way they seem to be expanding the characters a little.

4) The ending is phenomenal.

I was awoken by the phone ringing at 7am. I was fast asleep but sound of the voice on the other end of the line was too good to hear. Yes, it was Steven. They've been having problems on the boat with their communications, so there was no phone and no email the past day or so. I was able to talk to him for a little bit, alleviating my concerns over a matter that had come up yesterday.

I should be able to bowl really well today. Or breaking someone else's legs trying.

Took if from Tracy, who got it from mercurystar:

Choose your favorite band and answer all questions only with their lyrics!

Band: Queen

Are you male or female?: She keeps her Moet et Chandon in her pretty cabinet; 'Let them eat cake' she says just like Marie Antoinette

Describe yourself: I'm one card short of a full deck, I'm not quite the shilling, One wave short of a shipwreck, I'm not my usual top billing

How do some people feel about you?: It's not easy love, but you've got friends you can trust; Friends will be friends; When you're in need of love they give you care and attention

How do you feel about yourself?: I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be, too many bitter tears are raining down on me; I'm far away from home and I've been facing this alone for much too long

Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: You and me, we are destined you'll agree, to spend the rest of our lives with each other.

&

You know I love you but you drive me crazy , 'cos you're saying all the things I want to say to you; Everything I do is driven by you

Where would you rather be?: Oh I do like to be beside the seaside; Oh I do like to be beside the sea, where the brass band plays

Describe where you live: What is there left for me to do in this life? Did I achieve what I had set in my sights? Am I a happy man, or is this sinking sand?

Describe how you live: Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on

Describe how you love: From one spark to the horizon wide; We trust, and together we tame the land

Describe a past love: The years of care and loyalty were nothing but a sham it seems; The years belie we lived the lie "I love you 'til I die"

Share some words of wisdom: Rule with your heart and live with your conscience. We're all God's people, give freely

I still was awoken early this morning, but in a nice way - Bailey's tongue licking my hand. But I didn't care. I slept so good last night - the first really good night sleep I've gotten since Steve left.

Why you may ask?

Because at approximately 11pm last night, though I was asleep, the phone rang. I was a little pissy that someone was calling that late at night, but I answered the phone anyway. And I'm glad I did. It was Steven!! He finally was able to get a phone card and get a chance to use the phone. I was so happy just to hear his voice, especially since, well never mind, I was just happy. And it thoroughly made my night.

And no, I still haven't told him he won. :)

Last night was the weigh in. Everyone lost weight! Collectively we lost a total of 84 pounds. Not to bad, though collectively we still weigh over a 1000 lbs. :)

Who won?

Steve, with a whopping 10%! (which meant I didn't have to write a check last night!)

I'm sending him an email today to let him know...maybe.

I did this just to see...

Libra & Leo

When Leo and Libra work together, they make a cooperative combination. Leo and Libra are two signs apart in the Zodiac, which gives each partner an innate understanding of the workings of the other. When the Lion's energy is combined with Libra's natural sense of harmony, this is a partnership of great balance. Leo and Libra are flashy versus refined, direct versus peace-loving. Leo and Libra can have a very successful working partnership because each of them can appreciate and benefit from the attributes of the other.

Libra calms and smoothes Leo's flamboyant style. As a team, Leo and Libra are well-balanced. Libra is charming and cultural, and has good manners that offset Leo's direct and acerbic personality. On the other hand, Leo is far more decisive than Libra. Leo can help their partners to make decisions more easily and act on them, and they can teach the art of spontaneity.

Leo is ruled by The Sun, and Libra is ruled by the Planet Venus. The two Signs coming together form the basic foundation of good partnerships -- caring and ambition. The Sun and Venus go well together. The Sun is a masculine energy and Venus a feminine, so this relationship is a good balance of charged energies. Venus is about beauty, and The Sun is about sustaining life and propagating light. This team is resilient and can work toward goals and fortify one another for a long time.

Leo is a Fire Sign, and Libra is an Air Sign. These two elements together either fuel each other beautifully or extinguish one another's efforts. Libra can work diplomatically with the impetus and ambition of Leo, and both partners tend to participate in each other's efforts. They have learned a perfect balance and click together in business like clockwork! When they are a team, anything is within the realm of possibility. They must be mindful of one another's feelings and individual ambitions. Leo's action-oriented approach to projects may conflict with Libra's more cerebral approach. Both Signs have wide-ranging interests, and Leo's desire to get into the mix gives them great stories to share with the more reserved Libra.

Leo is a Fixed Sign, and Libra is a Cardinal Sign. Leo's outlasts the fleeting fancies of Libra, the initiator. They have to work together as a team for their goals to be realized. Leo will be the leader because of their energy and forceful nature. Libra will gently take the reins from an intellectual standpoint. Leo likes to give orders through personal authority while Libra charms others into doing things and is satisfied in placating Leo's giant ego. It's important for Leo to understand compromise. Libra, able to see both sides of the argument, can compromise easily, while Leo may be more unhappy about yielding.

The best aspect of the Leo-Libra partnership is the harmony resulting from the union of Venus and the Sun. The balance between self and other represented by this team is a great learning experience for both partners. Each partner brings to the team what the other is missing, so theirs is a highly compatible business alliance.

Thought I'd share this, since I have so much time on my hands this morning:

Weekly romance (by Astrology.com)
This week's ups and downs are brought to you by the so-called sin of pride. Early in the week, be sure to watch out for ego clashes. They won't come from out of nowhere, but if you get a little perspective they'll seem awfully silly. Patience will help smooth things out. This weekend creativity reigns supreme; avoid the little details that you (rightfully) see as beneath you in favor of indulgence. Sunday you'll feel like a million and will find yourself enjoying just about anything, even activities you'd ordinarily avoid like the plague.

Hmmm..."in favor of indulgence." Is that a sign (or maybe I'm just going to take it as one) that I really need to go to the bachelorette party this weekend? I also appreciated that last bit regarding Sunday. Of course, this means I'm going to bowl my ass off and whip Mike and Bob's team into submission. *laughs evilly*

But then decided it was probably better for my blood pressure not to listen to the man prattle on. For those of you who don't want to read the article, let me share a few words here:

"I don't plan on losing my job. I plan on telling the American people that I've got a plan to win the war on terror and I believe they'll stay with me. They understand the stakes," he said.

So what's the plan? Who knows, he wasn't real clear on that part. News bulletin for you Georgie Boy - plan on losing your job.

Bush went to war against Iraq after accusing it of possessing weapons of mass destruction that have never been found. He clung to a hope that they will be found but said he would have acted against Saddam any way because he was a threat.

Translate that to say: Saddam made my daddy look like a fool and a wimp; I had to get him back for that.

"Tonight, President Bush failed to provide the American people with a plan to succeed in the vital mission of creating a free and stable Iraq. Instead of proposing real solutions, he danced around the issues and offered the same hollow rhetoric," Kerry said in a statement.

Took the words right of my mouth.

It is too damn early in the morning. I'm going to be pleasant to work with today. Woke at 2:47am to the sound of the dog chewing on something. I did try to get back to sleep, but she thought it was play time.

So here I am, 3:15am, wondering what I'm going to do - besides drink a pot of coffee or more - with all this glorious free time I have now. I finally finished my taxes last night, though I still need to do my state taxes. Normally, I do them a lot earlier than this - especially the state since I usually get back enough to go out to dinner with - but this year I have been procrastinating with them. Actually, I've realized of late that I have been procrastinating with a lot of things. I'm not sure why; I'm usually very anal-retentive about getting things done on time.

Addendum: Here's a lovely comic to go with the topic of taxes. I was amused.

I really like this test.

My Score: You are 32.00% Serial Killer
(my target, of course, would be federal government employees)

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Lips
Special Talents Are	Looking Innocent
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

I like the answer above, but think I prefer the following

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Hands
Special Talents Are	Everything (Multi-talented)
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Ask Steve...he'll tell you I'm multi-talented. ;)

From Steve:

the weather out here is fantastic... nothing like rain and swells of 12-18 ft. to make the day complete

<-snip->

all in all this is a really great learning experience...i'm learning i really hate being here.

<-snip->

give my love to the girls and tell everyone i am ok and said hello to them all.

On the whole, not a bad weekend. Friday drinkies was nice - though I did come home to a bit of a mess, but I expected it. Let Bailey sleep with me Friday night, with the bedroom door shut, and that was really nice. She slept through the night and let me get up when I wanted to. Well, not really wanted to, but when my body decided it wasn't going to sleep anymore.

Saturday was full of Tupperware and gaming. I'm a little sick of Tupperware to tell you the truth, but there are two more parties on the horizon - so I'm prepared. Gaming was a fun night, with Shel and Steve (not my Steve) showing up and getting their characters done. Once getting them involved in the game and onward, everyone did a good job of finally figuring out what was going on in town. Of course, there's more involved than meets the eye - but they'll find that out much later, hehehehe.

Sunday's bowling was pretty good. Took 5 points from Chas' team - sans Chas and Lloyd. A big Thank You goes out to them for not showing up and for Eric not showing up as well (who apparently was supposed to sub for Chas.) Unfortunately, that "other team" that shall remain nameless, took all seven of their points, so now they are three points ahead of us in the standings. On the bright side, we bowl them next week. *looks around for a baseball bat to break some legs* If my team is lucky, Debbie will be there. They know why. ;)

Got home after bowling to find that Bailey (and the cats) did very well together while I was gone. We are trying that experiment again today, since I really hate locking any of them up for any length of time. I'm going home during lunch to let her out, even though I think she'd do okay if I didn't. Bailey slept with me again last night - even going to bed early - and didn't make a sound or bug me until after the alarm went off. I hit the snooze button (for some stupid reason thinking it was Sunday) and Bailey patted my leg with her paw, letting me know that it was time to get up. I don't think she likes the alarm and only wants to hear it go off once.

Tonight, I plan on finishing up my laundry and cleaning up the house a little. Hopefully, I'll get the chance to do a little work in the office, but we'll see.

I went ahead and added a wishlist for my birthday - wish other people would do the same to make shopping for them easier (hint, hint, hint).

And no, really not expecting anything from the list, but at least it gives you ideas.

Oh yeah, and I have gotten rid of our DSL today. Signed up with NetZero and ya know what? Yup, faster than Verizon and half the price. How fucking sad is that?

I wasn't very thrilled with dinner last night - Steve's taco meat comes out *so* much better. But the lovely apple crumb pie that Todd bought, I mean brought was very good. Chas was missed, so we talked about him incessantly all night long. *wink*

An article that I stole from Tracy that is amusing and fucked up to say the least. Please note the quote by Rep. Bill Heath. Can you get more out of touch with the people in this country?

I have now gotten 2 - count 'em 2 - emails from Steve.

I'll be in a much better mood for dinner tonight.

Apparently, Steve is having problems accessing and sending email through his normal Verizon account. For anyone who wants it, I do have his email address for the ship.

However, no porn is allowed to be sent to this address.

This means you Vivian! ;-)

Don't read email from Steve at work.

But I thought I'd share something that he wrote with you:

I am sending with this e-mail all my love...you may share it as you please with the rest of the gang but be sure to keep the largest portions for yourself and my girls.

Here is the breakdown:

70% goes to me and the girls
10% goes to Mike (he needs it more than the rest of you - he puts up with me more)
4% goes to Bob (he is the second wife after all)
4% goes to Todd (royal concubines has priority too)
4% goes to Jeff and Tracy
2% goes to Chas
2% goes to Joe
2% goes to Tony
2% goes to Darrell

You wanna argue?

Tacos ala Jenn

Just remember - presentation is everything. :)

"The universe will unfold as it should"

"Logic is the beginning of wisdom"

"The undiscovered country is the future"

"People are afraid of change"

Okay, so I've been watching too much ST lately. Sue me.

Viv was over to the house last night and we got his hair done. The gray is gone (for now) even though he doesn't look that bad with the gray. But vanity is a bitch. Probably why I'm the same and dye my own hair. Goddess knows that I haven't seen my natural hair color in years.

without fanfare...without any hoopla...they are gone...

I would kill myself in an instant...or him:

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is	MaleFemaleUndecided
Your favorite color is	RedOrangeYellowGreenBluePurpleBlackWhiteOther
You are stuck there because	everyone else died due to the wrath of God
For _____ years	12
With
He/She will think you are	clever
You will	make a coconut radio
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

At least I'd be happy in the sack:

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is	MaleFemaleUndecided
Your favorite color is	RedOrangeYellowGreenBluePurpleBlackWhiteOther
You are stuck there because	you can't die
For _____ years	78
With
He/She will think you are	strong
You will	make a coconut radio
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Interesting that the same person showed up - yet this time they think I'm God and I get to run away!

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is	MaleFemaleUndecided
Your favorite color is	RedOrangeYellowGreenBluePurpleBlackWhiteOther
You are stuck there because	everyone else died due to the wrath of God
For _____ years	13
With
He/She will think you are	God
You will	run far, far away
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

<*WARNING*>

These are my opinions and observations regarding Thomas Inskeep. You may think them harsh or cruel at times, but maybe if we were all be as honest as I am about to be, that would have settled things a lot sooner? Who knows...

<*/WARNING*>

One Thursday night dinner some time ago, someone called Thomas calculating. Even to this day, call me naïve if you will, I don’t really believe it. Or I refuse to. Either way, there are things that have transpired that have just left me with the feelings of disgust and disappointment.

And this isn’t how I wanted things to end. Truthfully, I didn’t want them to 'end' at all, but after hearing what was said in the presence of Wayne regarding myself (and Mike), that, as they say, is that. (Honestly, I am surprised that he would have said anything to Wayne considering you have to know that he’d tell Joe and Joe would subsequently tell the rest of the gang.)

How that all started is that Tom asked Wayne to store some of his belongings in his garage. Why he didn’t ask anyone of us is a mystery (though I’m sure he “assumed” we wouldn’t have done it, even though I have a ton of empty space in our attic and goodness knows I go up to Mass enough and could have brought some of it to him), but he did. To wit, Wayne is already complaining about having the stuff in there – for those of us who know Wayne, this will come as no great shock. Anyway, basically he told Wayne that “he doesn’t care if he ever sees or hears from Mike and Jennifer again.” I removed the expletives that were also used.

Okay. Well, I can kind of see why he’d say that, as I told him things in my email I’m sure he didn’t want to hear or admit to himself. And even Mike said he can see why he’d say that about him. But what it all boils down to is this: Tom assumed a great many things, much to his demise.

As promised, let me share with you the email that he sent regarding my post about his not joining us for drinkies the Friday before he left:

Jenn,

I wanted to privately let you know why I didn't join y'all Friday night, after seeing your post this a.m.

The reason is that, honestly, I haven't felt very wanted of late by much of the gang. I see now (it's always easier in retrospect) that not coming to dinner 2 weeks ago (18th) to stay home and watch hoops was not the best idea, and I regret that decision. However, the general perception I've felt from much of the gang, in addition to the fact that emails sent to you and Bob in the last 7-10 days were left unanswered (and I hasten to add that I don't say that in any sort of accusatory manner, only mentioning it so that you can better understand my motivations/actions), basically ran along the lines of "Don't let the door hit your ass on your way out."

I know that rather than assume, I should have reached out; I should have asked people specifically, something along the lines of "Did I hurt you in some way? How can I make it right?" I didn't, and I should have. After you'd said that you didn't think you'd be at dinner last week, nor at Anita's Saturday night, though, the impression I got was that you, frankly, didn't want to see me before I left, so I decided to accept that rather than fight it.

That's, I guess, the long version of why I didn't come down Friday night. It had nothing to do with basketball. And, had I been able to get there, I would have been at dinner Thursday (as I assume Tony told you; I didn't call you and ask for a ride because I thought you weren't going to be there). I don't want to leave things on a bad note, Jenn, and don't like to burn bridges (you know that when it comes to that, I may talk big, but I never follow through; I don't like leaving bad feelings as a last impression with anyone). If it would be possible to get together tonight, or tomorrow night - I'm supposed to see Tony & Darrell Tuesday night, too, and the more's the merrier :) - I'd really like that. I mean, you give such good hugs. Let me know if that might work. I fly out Wednesday afternoon.

much love,
Thomas

Now, let me show you the reply that was sent:

Thomas:

>>The reason is that, honestly, I haven't felt very wanted of late by much of the gang.<<

And sadly enough, this is mostly of your own doing. After months and months of one reason after another in consistently not joining us for whatever gathering happens to be going on at the moment, you effectively pushed the gang away all on your own. This is why we basically stopped asking you to do anything with us. And I believe that the feeling some of us received, that you haven't wanted to be "part" of the gang, has only increased with most of us over the last six months or so.

>>I see now (it's always easier in retrospect) that not coming to dinner 2 weeks ago (18th) to stay home and watch hoops was not the best idea, and I regret that decision.<<

Which is part of the reason why I not only posted on the tagboard a reminder that you only had a limited amount of time left to be with the gang, but also why I feel that I am not going to go out of my way to see you before you leave. Over the past two weeks, there has been opportunities for you to get together with a number of us that you either opted not to or didn't even think about. But now that your time has grown short, you expect everyone else to make the time to see you and I have a problem with that. The majority of us have other things going on in our day to day lives that isn't always easy to get around. That's part of the reason why Steve and I don't normally do things with anyone from the gang on any other nights except those that we have a standing "event."

>>However, the general perception I've felt from much of the gang, in addition to the fact that emails sent to you and Bob in the last 7-10 days were left unanswered basically ran along the lines of "Don't let the door hit your ass on your way out."<<

I only received two emails from you, and I did answer the first one, telling you why I was not going to be available to go to Anita's. I did receive your reply about finding time to get together, but at that point, my schedule was too uncertain as to plan anything, hence no reply.

As far as how you felt from the gang, I really can only answer for myself. Since pretty much ostracizing yourself from everything but dinners on Thursdays and extremely limited contact from you, I've felt that you were basically gone already - only here in body and nothing more. (And I know I'm not the only one that feels/felt this way.)

>>After you'd said that you didn't think you'd be at dinner last week, nor at Anita's Saturday night, though, the impression I got was that you, frankly, didn't want to see me before I left, so I decided to accept that rather than fight it.<<

If that was the impression you got, I can't help that. You didn't ask what was going on that would prevent me from going to either activity, you just "assumed" you either knew or I can "assume" you didn't care. There have been other things going on in my life that no one knows about (I don't post everything on the blog) that will prevent me from doing a lot of things with the gang in the future. But quite frankly, knowing you as much as I do, you probably didn't bother to think about anyone else.

>>And, had I been able to get there, I would have been at dinner Thursday (as I assume Tony told you; I didn't call you and ask for a ride because I thought you weren't going to be there).<<

Yes, Tony did inform us that you had called and why you were not going to be there. As far as us not being there, you were again "assuming" off of week-old information instead of asking. Which brings up the point, why didn't you call Mike and ask him how he was getting there? Why didn't you call and ask/leave message for Bob in getting a ride?


>>I don't want to leave things on a bad note, Jenn, and don't like to burn bridges (you know that when it comes to that, I may talk big, but I never follow through; I don't like leaving bad feelings as a last impression with anyone).<<

I don't like leaving things on a bad note either. But with the way that I feel on how you have treated your friends, especially over the past few months, it's hard to see how else things are going to end. As for burning bridges, well, that really is going to depend upon the future really.

>>If it would be possible to get together tonight, or tomorrow night - I'm supposed to see Tony & Darrell Tuesday night, too, and the more's the merrier :) - I'd really like that. I mean, you give such good hugs. Let me know if that might work. I fly out Wednesday afternoon.<<

Unfortunately, tonight I will be tied up with things at home that need to be taken care of before Steve reports to the Truman in the morning. He waited until the last minute for some of this shit, yay, so now it can't be put off any longer.

Good luck in New Hampshire. I do hope that you do well and that everything works out for you.

love,
Jennifer

And for those of you who are thinking 'Why didn't you make the time to see him if he was a friend?' and I know some of you are, let me explain something that may not have been clear in the email. Mr. Inskeep knew when all of us (and I mean the entire gang plus others on the fringe of the gang) would be together. At any point in time, he could have come to the bowling alley (Mike's had a vehicle the past few Sundays and even if he didn't, he could have asked anyone of us for a ride) and seen everyone and told them good-bye. The rest of us; 1) work for a living and have limited time to do much of anything; 2) haven't felt that Thomas was making much of an effort to see any of us (even before his announcement of leaving) at all. Now, cold that may sound, but let me tell you this short story. Steve is leaving - will be gone for a month or more - but did he expect anyone to go out of their way to see him before he left? No. Why? Because he knew he would see everyone at the bowling alley and made sure to be there himself to do so. He had limited time as well, with preparing to leave, but did make sure to be at the lanes to say good-bye to those who meant something to him.

Further, I’d like to point out a few things that I found out about after this email was sent. His comment on no reply from emails he sent to me and Bob – Bob never got an email, in either of his email accounts, so how was he going to reply? Again, Mr. Inskeep assumed that it was received. Also, regarding burning bridges – yeah, those have been burnt beyond recognition at this point. Not so much for leaving and still owing money (most of us predicted that would happen – though I did try to hold out some hope that it wouldn’t), but for assuming a great deal even when someone said to him (more than a few months ago) that he needed to talk to the rest of us about how we were feeling about him. He knew some time ago that there were problems, but he ignored them. And he even said as much in his email to me above. But that is not to say that all of this is his fault – we are just as much to blame for not approaching him in our problems with him.

But then we have to look at this glaring fact: He knew that Steve had a problem with him because Steve did tell him exactly how he felt on the night of Joe’s annual Xmas party. Hmmm…did Thomas attempt to try to rectify anything with Steve? No. And why? Well, as we can only guess here, I’ll give you my answer to this question. Because Thomas knew that there was nothing that he could get from Steve because it would have to go through me first anyway, so Steve was useless to him. So why try to rectify anything with him if Thomas couldn’t get anything out of him?

This is part of Thomas Inskeep’s way. He uses up what he can of the people he knows and then throws them away just as easily. I’m sure there are some people in D.C. who would agree, along with a few other places around the U.S. I’m sure that this is why someone called him ‘calculating’ but I just don’t know. I think they are two different things, but that’s just me.

The other part of his way is to assume. He 'assumed' that people received the emails he sent - even when one person didn't and the other was having computer problems. He 'assumed' that people didn't care - even though he perpetuated his own uncaring feelings for them, especially right before he left with the 'basketball is more important than my friends' thing. He 'assumed' that no one was going to help him, even though he never bothered to ask. He 'assumed' that no one wanted to see him before he left, even though the majority of us did. But for all of this, his 'assuming' nature leaves him to play the part of his 'big, dumb guy' routine ("I'm just a big, dumb, guy. I don't know these things" etc, etc, etc.). It also leaves him to try to play the 'look how badly they treated me' part with the next new person he meets.

All of this is why I’ve been left with the taste of disgust and disappointment in my mouth. I'm disgusted on how he left things (and no, not just with me but with all of his friends here) and I'm disappointed that he just continually assumes he knows everything about everybody in how they feel and think, without ever bothering to ask.

And I’ve learned a lesson from all of this, through my association with him. Not everybody whom you call a friend is worthy of that title. Does this mean I hate him? No. There are other people in my past that I once thought of as my friend (Madam C, for one) but I don't hate any of them. I wish them well in their lives and want no ill will to befall them. Let them live their lives as they see fit as I live mine. Karma will do all the work for you - even if you don't believe in it.

I do have to say this: No matter what else, the one thing I am grateful for, that Mr. Inskeep brought into my life the group of friends that I have now. Steve and I would not have known them without his introduction of them to us. And for this I will always be thankful for.

{And yes, I have noticed that he has removed the link to my blog, Mike’s blog, and Bob’s blog (even though Bob hasn’t said a word). I’m sure the reason is twofold – one, he’s mad at us and two, I’m quite sure he doesn’t want his blog “friends” to read about what we have to say about him. But that’s fine really, makes no never mind now, now does it? And does this mean that I will remove his link? No. Just because we are no longer friends doesn’t mean that I’m going to ‘un-link’ him. I have people linked here that I have never met nor talked with. His blog is a good source of music reviews and links with a number of other sources of the same.}

My last words to Thomas: Stop assuming everything and stop using people. You’ve lost more friends than you realize because of this. And that is nothing but a shame…on you.

From MSN:

You have a lot to celebrate, Jenn! Things have been going well for you at work, and there have been significant changes in your living environment. Maybe you have recently added onto your house, or even moved! With all the commotion, you may have been neglecting your partner. Being in an especially amorous mood, it is in your best interest to make this significant other feel special and loved!

Anybody else see this as the biggest load of crap ever?

Dinner last night at the Bistro - Bob, Chas, Tony and myself. We had a lovely time, mostly discussing the upcoming nuptials - which are now tentatively set for August. They were going to be in May, but they wanted to make sure Steve would be in town to help celebrate. At roughly 6:30, Tony ran off to the "Cult" and it was just the three of us. Our conversation turned to more serious topics...

I've found this is becoming a pattern with our group. When there are just three of us together, we tend to talk about more serious things. And it is a nice change of pace from the fun we have when all of us are together.

Upon returning home, where I had left Bailey out of the cage and kitchen, thankfully there was no mess to be found or cleaned up. She's getting better about being alone and having the entire house to herself for short periods of time. Anyway, I set about taking care of a few things, mainly dishes, and then sat down for a minute, ostensibly to play a little with Bailey and relax. Well, that was my first mistake of the evening.

Sitting there, I looked over at Bailey and couldn't help but start crying. She was sitting there, looking at me after sitting down. Those of you who know - Bailey never just sits there. I looked at her face and realized that she was wondering where her Daddy was. I explained (like she understood) to her that Daddy had to go to work and wouldn't be home for a while. She got that sad, puppy eyed look on her face, then got up, went to the couch, and got up on the back of it, laying there looking out the window, her chin resting on the sill.

I knew she was looking for Steve and that's when I just started bawling. She stayed there for a while before I think it kind of sunk in that he wasn't coming home. It took her a while before deciding it was okay to play. Gods, could my night get any worse? Sure!

Second mistake of the evening was yet to come. I ended up watching 'Hanging Up' alone. If you have ever had/have dealt with a parent or grandparent with Alzheimer's - you'll understand.

Third mistake of the evening? Well, I have to explain this one a bit. Steve and I have a tradition for when he goes away for any real length of time. He takes one of his shirts, douses himself with my favorite cologne on him, and wears the shirt for a while. Then, he gives me the shirt to keep, normally wrapped around a pillow to cuddle with at night. It's very comforting in a way. It's also guaranteed to make me cry myself to sleep, which is exactly what I did. If it wasn't for the shot of NyQuil, I never would have slept at all.

I know there are those who say they can sympathize with my pain and heartache. But unless you know what it's like to lose a spouse/lover, you really can't even begin to understand. If you have ever lost a spouse to death, take that pain and grief and remembering how to live without them - and go through it again and again and again. This is what military spouses have to go through every time they say good-bye. Yes, there is the joy and elation that comes when those spouses come home. But then you have to go through that grieving process again the next time. And the next time. And the next time. There aren't many people who can take it - which is why the divorce rate is so high in the military. It takes its toll on the entire family, including the family pet.

I joked with Steve before he left about 'todding' now that I had our king-sized bed to myself and that Tish would be more than happy to help me. But as it happened, I stayed on my side of the bed like I normally do, and Tish stayed right next to me, where she normally stays. Which only made me sad upon waking this morning.

Of course, then I have to go and make things worse today by taking the 'long way' around to work and drive by the piers. Saw the lights lit on the Truman, sitting there at the pier, waiting to leave. I think I thrive on torturing myself...

{Note to self: Tonight, clean the fucking house until too exhausted to even dream.}

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.



Nice, real nice.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRACY!

Please help in celebrating her birthday. Send a card today!

Friday night, drinkies and quality time with Steve. Saturday was full of laundry and packing up his seabag. We went to dinner at Don Pablo's - we were both craving Mexican - and then home for more, um, quality time. *wink,wink* Sunday was the usual HoE and bowling. It was a bad day of bowling for me - though my last game was pretty good. After bowling, went home and took a shot of NyQuil and had a nap. Finally got up around 7ish and burned a couple of cds for Steve to take with him on the boat. He left for about an hour or so to take his shit to the boat and unpack so he could see what all he forgot. Good thing too, because he forgot a few essentials.

This morning...well, this morning I dropped him off at the boat. Today is his duty day, so he is required to stay aboard the boat. They leave sometime tomorrow. I won't see him again until they return. I'm hoping that I have enough to do at home to keep me occupied and not let my mind wander too much while he's gone. But let's not fool ourselves here, it'll wander anyway. Yeah, look for more deep thoughts in the days and weeks to come.

Looking forward to tonight and some Bistro Italiano. I think this will be a weekly thing for me. I really like the place, they aren't bad price wise, and I can opt to go or not go to the Tupperware Cult meetings afterwards. I doubt highly that I'll go tonight.

Act nonchalant
Be Comfortable
Control yourself
Discriminate
Explore
Fake what you don't know
Grab at passing opportunities
Have moments of wild abandon
Ignore the ignorant
Jog in your sleep
Knead people
Let it all hang out
Make friends with your neighbors
Nap often
Overstep boundaries
Play with your food
Quit while you're winning
Return to your favorite places
See things others don't
Take your time
understand human limitations
View things from more than one perspective
Wait at least 60 seconds before responding
X-pect only the best
Yawn and stretch at regular intervals
Zzzzzzzzzz in the sunshine

Arrived at Chas' house and deposited him in the car. Started down Little Creek, when Mr. Chas realized he had forgotten his glasses! So, I put the car in reverse and backed down Little Creek to his house. :) There was no real traffic to get in the way, except for the bus, so no harm there. But I got said package safely to the airport. I hope that things go well for him. Not that I want him to move to Georgia, because he would be greatly missed, but if it would benefit him - he should go. Besides, we'll have a place to stay when we visit! :-D

Dinner last night was very good - I really do like TaterTot casserole! And it was nice to see Phil, Leslie and Don at dinner as well, though Tony and Darrell were missed. We celebrated Todd and Steve's birthday - and it only served as a reminder that I really need to trade that boy in for a younger model. :)

Heard an interesting story at dinner as well - involving Tom and Wayne. Very interesting indeed. And it sort of cemented the idea of sharing the emails that I spoke of earlier this week. And now probably a few thoughts and feelings that originally I was going to keep to myself.

Back when I was first married to Steven, there were a number of things that I bitched and complained about to him regarding his Navy activities. All of which were not his fault, but having no one else to complain to about them, he got the brunt of my rantings and ravings. But as time as gone on, I've noticed a change within myself. I no longer rant and rave about things the Navy does or the things that the Navy wants. It's not because these things no longer bother me - on the contrary - they still bother me a great deal. But I've come to realize that no matter how much I bitch and complain about things, things are not going to change. Talking on the phone yesterday with Steve, he mentioned that they were pulling out next week and coming back in May - which we knew - but then they are pulling out again in late May and not coming back until sometime in July - which we didn't think they were leaving until June. This sucks to high hell, because this means I'll see him about 2 weeks worth over the next 4 months. {So much for even trying to have a baby now.} But I only said that I was disappointed and that since I can't change it, I won't complain about it. I just plan to enjoy what little time I have with him and be done with it.

Change is good. Whether it be changing jobs, style, colors on a blog, or whatever. And it has been a long time since he (or the asshole ex) has been gone for any real length of time, so I'm looking forward to the change in pace. I won't have to wait on his ass to get ready to go places nor will I have to wait for him to do something that I've asked him to do (ages ago, but the bastard doesn't listen.) I'm hoping that with this change of being by myself (note to all; I mean being by myself at home) will allow me to do the things that never seem to get done when he's home. I know that sounds bad, but look at what I got accomplished the last time he was gone - the entire bathroom underwent a make-over. This time, it looks like it will be the office and hopefully (assuming there is money) a fence will be forthcoming.

Look for more changes soon...