Instead of "resolutions" {which I can't keep to anyway}, I have set out some goals that I want to accomplish by the end of 2004. So here we go folks:

1. Finish the office remodel.
2. Put up new fence in back yard.
3. Get pregnant (which'll be hard when hubby goes out to sea.)
4. Pay off Haynes bill.
5. Buy one birthday or Xmas present a month. {this month is easy because of Chaslina.}
6. Re-enroll in school.
7. Install shed for all of hubby's frickin' tools!!
8. Save up for kitchen remodel.
9. Get Jeff & Tracy up here!!!!!!!!
10. Answer emails when I get them!
11. Exercise at least once a week.
12. Get the puppy housebroken.
13. Finish all the unfinished projects I have laying around (mostly crafty things).

I'll be revisiting this list throughout the year to see where things stand and give updates. Normally, if I give myself a list of "things to do" I can get them accomplished. We'll see if this works. :)

This evenings festivities will kick off around 8:30 - 9:00 tonight.
{Anyone have dinner plans?}

Darrell has Shingles, so no one is allowed to kiss him, hug him, or drink after him this evening, just in case.

I need to just keep away from him altogether - I never had chicken pox as a kid.

Here I sit, at my desk, looking at the things I probably should get to soon {maybe tomorrow - there's no real rush}, but I am at least caught up with everything that is important. But why is being bored dangerous? Because it gives me the time to look up how my co-workers are doing with their work. It was just a curiosity thing really while I was checking my own status. But I shouldn't have done it. Not because it isn't allowed or anything {there's nothing stating we can't or shouldn't}, but because now I see how they are really  doing with their work.

Now my quandary is: do I keep my mouth shut or point out a few major  problems, that need to be addressed, to the individuals involved? I'm certainly *not* going to the boss about it because I don't want to get anyone in trouble - not that they really would get in trouble, she's not like that.

What do you all think?

I received a lot of nice gifts this year - but the best one of all?

The love of my friends and the time we've been able to spend together.

Looking forward towards the new year, I take a moment to look back over the past years events. {pause} That was quick. Not anything really news-worthy, per se. So let's take a look at this past years resolutions:

1. Lose some weight (no numbers, why limit myself?).
Okay, did lose some weight - but I think I've put much back on over this holiday season.

2. Get pregnant (what a pity, must have more sex in the new year!).
Obviously that didn't happen.

3. Raise my bowling average (this will be harder than you think).
Well, this didn't happen either - though I am still trying and it'll be back to lessons after the 1st of the year.

4. Pay off at least two bills (gotta get rid of some of our credit cards!).
Nope - but we are closer to paying two off.

5. Make more money, to pay off said bills.
Did get a slight raise at the beginning of the year, but not even close enough to pay off shit.

6. Start Christmas and birthday shopping early!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

7. Keep up better with my email (I've been getting horrid at that lately!).
Nope, in fact, I've gotten worse.

8. Keep up my straight A average in school.
Can't really count this one as I am no longer in school at the mo'.

9. Get better organized and stay that way!
At least this one I can say that I've fulfilled - and it'll get better once we get the office done.

10. Be a better person than I was last year.
I feel different - does that count?

Time now to think about the coming years resolutions - though I don't know why I bother. Many of them will be the same as last year - and I suspect the results will be the same as well. We'll see.

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.


A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.


The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.


Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)


Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.


At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.


Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)


The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.


Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.


Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.)


Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.


However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Or words to that effect.

Someone said they were going to post last night. Guess who didn't. And should have. :(

Deck the Halls (Politically Correct Version)

Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la la la la la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la la la la la la la la

Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la la la la la la la la
While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

May the Winter Solstice be merry for you all.
I hope the coming new year is filled
with prosperity, liberty, and joy for all of us.

Pretty quiet weekend for us, with the exception of Saturday night. Joe's Annual Xmas Party was wonderful. The food was great and the company even better. I was happy to see Wayne socializing with everyone; he's not that bad of a guy. The secret santa went well - thank you again, Mike, for everything, but you shouldn't have spent so much! The bowling pin and ball ornament looks great on the tree! :) (Btw, hubby asked why I hadn't taken the porno home, hmmm!) Joe surprised everyone by giving out stockings filled with all kinds of goodies - including gift cards to various stores around town. I ended up getting an extra present from Joe too, a beautiful dolphin votive lamp. It's gorgeous and I need to find a place to put it where the cats won't knock it down!

Sunday saw me not getting dressed at all and spending most of the day cross-stitching and playing with Baiiley. She's still in the process of being housebroken, but she is definitely improving! We ended up watching Finding Nemo (of course!) and checking out all the extra stuff on the discs. I kinda like the aquarium set up they have on it, but wish the extra back drops for it had fish. (You have to see it to understand what I'm talking about here.) The night ended on an up note *big grin* and Bailey never made a sound. ;)

On to the week at work - all two days worth. Of course, I have a late client today, so I can't cut out early, but I wouldn't have been able to leave before 4pm anyway. It should be an uneventful week here and hopefully next week too.

Chrisnukah

Subject: Major Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner.

A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful

Twas the Night before Star Trek...

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armoury securely,
In hope that no alien would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face to face...

When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly "Deck One!"

The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi, And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the Hell is this, Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc" replied Q,
"I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor, and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

"For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain.
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date."

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
For Data, a joke book, For Riker a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures of the nativity set. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

Nader needs your opinion. Give it to him!

Letter from Santa

2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,
Santa

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy, do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time?"

"No," he replied, "There is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise..."

While some people think the Golden Globes are a precursor to the Oscars, there are some of us who simply don't care. But, bored out of my skull today, I decided to look at the nominees and chose who/what I'd like to see win:

Best Motion Picture - Drama: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Best Performance Actress - Drama: Nicole Kidman in Cold Mountain
Best Performance Actor - Drama: Sean Penn in Mystic River
Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy: Love Actually
Best Performance Actress - Musical or Comedy: Diane Keaton in Somethings Gotta Give
Best Performance Actor - Musical or Comedy: Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean
Best Foreign Language Film: Good Bye, Lenin (what the hell do I know here??)
Best Performance Supporting Actress: Renee Zellweger in Cold Mountain
Best Performance Supporting Actor: Alec Baldwin in The Cooler
Best Director: Peter Jackson for Lord of the Rings; The Return of the King
Best Screenplay: Richard Curtis for Love Actually
Best Original Score: Hans Zimmer for The Last Samurai
Best Original Song: Time Enough For Tears (In America)
Best Television Series - Drama: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Best Performance Actress - TV Drama: Amber Tamblyn in Joan of Arcadia
Best Performance Actor - TV Drama: William Petersen in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy: Monk or The Office*
Best Performance Actress - TV Musical or Comedy: Bitty Schram in Monk
Best Performance Actor - TV Musical or Comedy: Tony Shalhoub in Monk or Ricky Gervais in The Office*
Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made For TV: My House in Umbria or Soldier's Girl*
Best Performance Actress - Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made For TV: Maggie Smith for My House in Umbria
Best Performance Actor - Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made For TV: Troy Garity for Soldier's Girl
Best Performance Supporting Actress - Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made For TV: Mary Louise Parker in Angels in America
Best Performance Supporting Actor - Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made For TV: Lee Pace in Soldier's Girl

* = I couldn't decide!

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 full bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters,
pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway???

Yesterday saw the opening of Lord of the Rings - Return of the King. Cut out of work at 2:30 to meet up with the gang (sans a few people) for the 3:10 show. Glad we did too, because when we got out of the movie at 7:40pm, the theater was crowded and a very long line had developed. The movie was great. Can I say that again - it was GREAT. Long - even longer when you had to pee - but worth every second. Gandalf pisses me off, but only because for a wizard - could have used a few more of his spells - but that's just me. Vivie cried (per usual) and heard other people in the theater crying from time to time, but I did not shed a single tear (had to pee too badly). Definitely worth seeing if you are thinking about it. I'd love to go see it again - but next time I want a pause button. :)

Headed to Veneziano's afterwards for some wonderful pizza and conversation. Though, like our Thursday night dinners, talk turned to Darrell's penis. (At least we didn't talk about inserting things!) The hubby and I rushed home afterwards to see to Bailey. She's be locked up for quite some time and we were worried. But upon arriving home and taking her out, we discovered that she had been very good in holding it. She really is learning very quickly! And even better last night? She went to bed at 10:30 and didn't get up until I did! YEAH! (She is currently gnawing on a pig ear.) Lelu is still avoiding her like the plague and Tish is starting to warm up a little - she's still batting at Bailey when she gets too close, but that is just making Bailey think she wants to play. :>

Looking forward to this weekend and the annual (can we call it annual yet?) Xmas party at Joe's. He's a great host and this year will be sans Wayne's guests. Our gang is doing a "secret santa" thing this year because money is tight for all of us, so that will be fun. Of course, it's not very secret since I know who has everyone with the exception of Joe and Chas (they are keeping their secret very well). Hoping too, that Phil/Maris (Todd's other half) will be able to make an appearance at some point. Though I don't think any of us can call him Maris anymore if I'm not mistaken. :(

Anyway, coffee time! Anyone want a cup?

Aphrodite/Eros


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

You're mostly evil. You're evil most of the
time, but ever once in a while you're good...
for the right person. ;)



*How evil are you?*
brought to you by Quizilla

Union Santa

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southeast United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of northern Wisconsin and west Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my local replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:

     * There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

     * Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have an empty coke can handy.

     * Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over Bubba's fireplace.

     * You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

     * "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"

     * As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a decal depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character Calvin relieving himself ... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

     * The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see "Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

     * Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

     * Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes Santa Claus" and Bing Crosby's of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is Shania Twain"; David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me"; and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa

Well, last night proved oh so much fun. Ended up putting Bailey's crate in our bedroom because she wouldn't go to sleep otherwise. Then she decided to get up at 3am (yes - 3 AM) and annouced that she needed to go to the bathroom. After taking care of business, I couldn't get back to sleep but for maybe 30 minutes. Then she decided it was that time again - and she wanted to STAY up. It was about 5:15am, so that was fine - but this time made the hubby get his butt out of bed and take her out. At least she's (*yawns*) learning.

Now life with Bailey and the cats (Tish and Lelu) is a horse of a different color. When we first brought Countess Bailey home, I had her outside, on a leash, and the hubby took in her crate to let the girls sniff around it first. Hehehe...Tish went into the crate, smelled the dog, and immediately started hissing. Lelu - well Lelu being as special as she is - ignored it. Then we brought Bailey in. Lelu just stared at her - then ran away, hiding under our bed. Tish, on the other hand, was definitely more interesting to Bailey. She has taken to following Tish around - who just yells at her for doing so. And I don't mean hissing/yelling, just mewling/yelling. It is quite funny. Bailey justs wants so much just to play with her, but Tish is not ready for that yet. Bailey did nip Tish's tail yesterday, and Tish turned around and slapped her across the face for it. I think that kind of shocked Bailey a bit, but then it only made Bailey want to play with her even more. It's only a matter of time before they are wrestling with each other. I give it a week. That's about how long it took last time we introduced her to a dog. I'll keep you posted.

I posted a couple of pics of Bailey for everyone. Just click on the Photos link to the side. One of these days, I'll finish up the damn Disney pics too!

Welcome to the 2003 edition of getting to know your friends.
1. WHAT TIME DO YOU GET UP? 5:30am on the weekdays (when puppyless)
2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE? Sean Connery or G.W. Bush (see 7)
3. GOLD OR SILVER? Depends upon my mood
4.WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Love Actually until tomorrow
5. FAVORITE TV SHOW? C.S.I.
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? A pot of coffee and cigarettes
7. WHO WOULD YOU HATE TO BE STUCK IN A ROOM WITH? George W. Bush but I'd be arrested for murder and treason I'm sure.
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? Not quite
9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? Too many things to really list - life, friends, hubby, family, the girls, etc.
10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Lynn
11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY? Beach every time
12. FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Swiss Orange Chip and Edy's Blue Ribbon Chocolate Cake
13. BUTTER PLAIN OR SALTED POPCORN? Butter and salt, please!
14. FAVORITE COLOR? Blue
15. FAVORITE CAR? Lambourgini Diablo
16. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING? Peanut butter and Blackberry Jelly
17. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? Closed-mindedness
18. FAVORITE FLOWER? Roses
19. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE? Until I got the money in my hands and had the opportunity to get my friends their envelopes full of cash to give to them when I told them.
20. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK? Still
21. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? Blue and Gold.
22. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? Five
23. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? My own damn island!
24. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Sure, if you want a good laugh.
25. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Saturday
26. RED OR WHITE WINE? Neither - Blush
27. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Party with my friends
28. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD? No
29. SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU: He knows too much about music for any one person.

// posted by Jenna @ 2:17 PM

A Christmas Message From Santa

You think you got it bad? All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow - damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time. I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I pee'd my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my ass to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

*HO! HO! HO! X XXX MERRY CHRISTMAS, your ass. XXXXX XXXXX*

We went and got her last night! She's black, with a touch of white, and she'll end up being brindled (there are small spots of brown here and there. Speaking of those spots, that fucker had Viv and I convinced the spot on her head was vomit, as her sister got sick on the way there. Turns out - it's not!) Her tail is docked, like a boxer, but she's mostly Black Lab. She's so cute!!! Her name is not Puppy, or Shelby, or Phebene, or Pi, or Henrietta, or Zelda. It's Bailey. Thought about spelling it the ghetto way (baylee) but prefer the original. Decide for yourself where the name comes from: Bailey's Irish Cream, Beetle Bailey, Bill Bailey (of song fame), George Bailey (of It's a Wonderful Life), or Bailey (forgot her last name of WKRP in Cincinati).

And yes, I'm up early. Two guesses as to why - and you won't need the first one.

The hubby always tries to surprise me around this time of year. The problem, of course, is that he can't keep from trying to taunt me with the surprise. This year is no exception. I guessed what the "non-wrapped," "has to go pick it up on Xmas eve" and "being held by someone other than one of our friends" gift is (so you can talk now Chas). It's a PUPPY! :) The only bad part is that it is female (I really wanted a male dog) but this just out numbers the hubby even more!! :D We are going down to Elizabeth City tonight to pick one out (there are two to chose from) and possibly take home today! It's a black lab/boxer mix - with the tail docked. I can't wait!!!!!! I miss puppy kisses and I want to torture the cats! :)

ADDENDUM: That fucker. He just called and informed me that this is *not* the "surprise gift" that he's been planning. I hate him and am no longer talking to him.

New Policy on Twelve Days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order.

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement.

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -
Silent Night

Santa's Bad Day
The Birth of a Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

I don't know how it happens, but it does. When the gang here gets together for our dinners on Thursdays, the conversation always ends up turning to sex of some sort. Last night was a perfect example. Among topics that were discussed: ball waxing/shaving, sex toys, sex toy Xmas trees (which I may do next year!), and unusual items (that needed extraction at the hospital) found in people's anuses. {Mike and Todd should have stuck around!}

Don't you just want to get here quicker, Tracy? :D

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...


"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

Since there is only two weeks left, I am going to start posting something "Xmasy" each day. Be forewarned - they are mostly humourous tidbits I have found while looking to download a few of my favorite funny Xmas songs.

The house is clean - for the most part - and it is as decorated as it is going to get (including the tree - which looks normal size from the outside!). Need to fix the archway outside - last nights rain and wind did a number on it. The majority of the laundry is done (yay!) and what trophies I could pack up for shipment (or handing over!) are packed! Just feels like I have actually accomplished shit this week.

I am looking forward to dinner this evening with the gang - sans one - and wonder if we need some sort of cake thingy for Darrell (who missed it last week). Shit, that reminds me that I need to find the present and card we got for him!!!!! Grrrr....I hope it is still in the truck!

Here is a short, simple story on putting up Xmas lights on a house:

Picture it - Norfolk, 2003. Standing on the front lawn was a man and a woman, struggling with some Christmas lights. They erected a candy cane arch at the end of the walk. They erected small candy canes, lining the walk to the front door. Then came the actual icicle lights to be hung on the face of the house. The man was crippled - unable to get on the ladder. The woman, wanting the lights up (SINCE BEFORE FUCKING THANKSGIVING AND BEFORE HE WAS CRIPPLED), climbed the ladder herself and began to hang the icicle lights. Then she came to the front of the house and the peak above the front door. Her ladder was not high enough to reach the peak. What could she do? Placing the ladder by the house, she was forced to climb on top of the roof, and hang over the peak to place the lights. This was no small feat, as the woman is deathly afraid of heights. Hyperventilating and crying, she is able to hang the section of lights and suffer a panic attack when she tries to get off the roof. But she finished the job anyway and was satisfied when she surveyed it all.

What is the point of this story, you ask?

Moral of the story: Husbands (the fuckers) should do what their wives ask them to do WHEN THEY ASK.

Other moral of the story: It's amazing what people can do when they put their minds to it and breath VERY deeply.

(that fucker. I'll get him yet.)

HOOD: You have a penchant for the mysterious. You
like to keep the lights off during sex and you
always keep your partner guessing as to what
you will do next. You are known for your
unusual sexual practices, whether anal sex,
cum-eating, or other slightly deviant
behaviors. You keep your sexual escapades off
the gossip charts.


What kinky toy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, his stitches are out and the doc gave him a very stylish gray boot to wear for the next two weeks. After that he can put his real shoe on again. The doc also told him that he should be fit for duty for his transfer in March - which is a big relief really - but he is exempt from his next PRT (physical readiness test). Also - and this is big - he is *not* allowed to bowl for another TWO MONTHS. He asked the doc and that is exactly what the doc said, so looks like he will be out for the beginning of next season of bowling. He'll probably just sub after the doc says it is okay for him to do so. This works out rather well actually, since there is a money issue and a work issue (he'll be going to the Truman about that time and who knows what'll happen then).

Other issues this week: Bob's dinner night - we're having TaterTot Casserole (and we have most of the ingredients already Vivie). Putting up outside lights. Finishing decorating the damn tree. Finishing decorating the house inside. Cleaning the house. Laundry. Laundry. And more laundry. Killing a couple of cats (kidding. sort of). GETTING THOSE DAMN TROPHIES OUT OF MY GODDAMN HOUSE! (Finally got a few boxes and some peanuts to cushion them.)

And this is going to be a very long, long week.

ADDENDUM TO THE WEEKS LIST: Forgot about going to the bank to cash the bowling check with Mike and going to the bowling alley on Tues. night to witness a post-bowl. Okay, granted that last one is optional, but it also gives me the opportunity to bowl! :)

A new Lifetime for Women movie, airing soon.

Life with the crip at home is going well. He is actually getting around fairly well - without the crutches. Not that he'll be bowling this week, but ya know. Of course, this means that he can start doing shit around the house - whether he likes it or not. I'm going to start leaving him a list every morning so I don't have to worry about it - like dishes, laundry, vacuuming, scrubbing the toilet. Then I'm sure that I'll hear about how I am abusing the handicap. {Hmm...this movie is going to be good}

I may leave him home tomorrow night - unless someone comes clean about what the hell he was talking about!!!

When I was younger, I never thought that HIV/AIDS would effect me. I didn't know anyone who had it and from what I read and saw on t.v., I didn't want it around me. Things changed as I grew older. At the end of my "slutty years," it did worry me a little - so I went down to my local health department and made sure I got tested. Then I was married (several times) and never gave it a second thought.

When we moved to Virginia, we got involved with a group of friends that are the greatest. They are all gay men - and two of them are HIV+. This news hit me strangely. I thought this would make a big difference in how I felt about them. And it did. It makes me worry more about them - and their need to get to the doctor (HINT-HINT DEAR). Not that I don't worry about all my friends here and abroad, but they are the only ones I know that have a disease they will most likely die from. And I would just as soon *not* lose them to something they should have had a cure for by now. And they aren't the only people that I know now that have it. There are others that I know more casually that are infected. And there are people I can barely tolerate that are infected - and look like they are getting worse as each week passes.

Don't know anyone who has it? You will - or you already do but just don't know it yet. There are something like 36 million people in the world who have it. Just be sure that it isn't you.

Everything went really well on Friday morning. Took a while to get him into surgery and Joe was great enough to come and we did lunch while hubby was being cut. Only 10 minutes after we got back, he was out. There is still a lot of pain - the Vicadin was not helping - and when we went in today to have his dressing changed, he got himself a prescription for Demerol. (No - you can't have any.) That seems to be working better for him. He's doing really well and hasn't irritated me too much. We'll see about that latter part in a week.

And I am hoping that my dearest, and sweetest Vivie, will help me sometime this week at the house. I need her strong muscles and butchness to get that table back into the kitchen - and a few other things.

There's dinner in it for ya, Viv.

And tennis afterward.

And possibly Edy's Blue Ribbon Chocolate Cake Ice Cream.

:)